Monday, June 4, 2012

All The Latest

Did you hear about the woman in Arizona that was smoking pot at the park and took off with her baby in his car seat SITTING ON THE ROOF OF THE CAR?!?!
He is 5 weeks old and tumbled off the roof in an intersection. She got home before she realized he was missing. She was arrested, obviously.
Incredibly, the baby is ok.

On the lighter side of things, a 21 year old is about to receive his M.D. from the University of Chicago! Yes, I said 21. He is one of those prodigies that was reading at 2 and composing high quality music at 5. He started college when he was 11 years old.
I wonder how it feels to be so incredibly brilliant that your brain works at a rate above and beyond the rest of the population.  I find it interesting that these geniuses rarely end up doing anything political...they usually go into science or medicine, once again showing how much smarter they are.

 Those are the two things that stuck out the most today to me, from all of the other shit in my news feed.
Two dramatically different ends of the spectrum..oh the human condition!!

I'm going to be honest now. Because I thought I could just do a non-sequitur post and ramble about news stories and put a few funny/weird pictures and that would be the end of it.
But I didn't start this blog to be a baby and blab about people and things I don't know and evade the truth.
So here we go!

I'm pretty freaked out. Well, a bizarre and jittery heart-racing combination of scared and relieved.
About my surgery tomorrow.

I'm glad I came to the decision to have the implant removed from the bone (and with it, God willing, this horrific and long-standing infection), but I wish I could have just had it removed. The longer I have had to wait for this surgery, the most nervous I have become.
Mostly the possibilities of things going wrong is what gives me anxiety (sane anxiety--as in there is a basis for my fear, such as the bone being compared to insane anxiety, AKA thinking I am going to be walking down the street and drop dead).
Like 2 nightmares a night about me dying nervous, afraid to brush my teeth because I know I will spit up copious amounts of thick blood nervous, unwilling to tell people "no, I can't...I am having surgery" nervous, unable to sleep because I can't stop my racing thoughts nervous.

I think I could handle it all if I just didn't have this undercurrent of...fear.
And this doesn't have anything to do with my surgery----I have just had this ominous feeling lately, like something big and bad is going to happen.  And Vicky has the same feeling too. What it is?!?!
I had this strange sensation weeks before I even planned my surgery.

but it has not helped. And the constant dreams in which I know I am dying, and witness myself die, are the breaking point. Watching your husband and family sob at your funeral --very realistically, I may add--is the least comforting thing EVER.

One nightmare, in which I died from air bubbles in my IV, got to me so much I had to do some research on the possibility of that just to feel reassured.
And now I know it takes a whole LOT of air bubbles in your veins to kill you. Whew. What a relief!

I know I need to just relax and get in the right zone, and that is my project right now.
I left work early (well, we sent home because I felt so sick and feverish and looked terrible apparently) and thank goodness--it has given me time to just BREATHE and affirm that all is going to be ok.

I am doing incense and face masks and all that zen crap and I feel better already.

Which is good, because going into surgery with the right mindset is incredibly important. And necessary to healing.

And so, pardon the rambling rant here. I know the writing isn't top notch but c'est la vie...and c'est la Lortab.

And here are some funny pictures after all:

And now for today's watercolor:

No comments:

Post a Comment