Friday, June 8, 2012

Troll 2 Drinking Game

This is the best worst movie ever made.
Maybe I'm nuts and have low expectations of partying, but this movie makes for a great Friday night.

 When I say "best worst ever made" I mean it is watchable, but only with a group of good people and a drink in your hand. And maybe some awesome snacks. Or popcorn (which will become an inside joke later on in the'll see why).
And your drink should be a weak drink at that--because if you follow even a few rules of the drinking game you will be out for the count 30 minutes in.

Warning: minor rant ahead:
A group of good people is important, it can't just be a good group of people, because one rotten person can wreck the whole fun of this. You know those types, the ones you only invite for larger gatherings because they know how to have a good time and spark great conversation, but they also tend to say mean and snarky things and therefore are less welcome at smaller, more intimate gatherings.
Got it? Well anyway, those people shouldn't be invited to something like this.

We like the nice ones. More and more I realize that nice people are the best. The mean ones just aren't worth it. They can go to hell.

So that is Step 1 to enjoying Troll 2: nice people. Fun people. People that can accept and laugh at ridiculousness, rather than despise it. No eye-rolling allowed!
Step 2 is to get a drink. Hard cider is good, beer is good, a diluted-but-still-tasty cocktail is acceptable.
Step 3 is to know the rules. There are a few different variations, here is the best version:


- The little boy cries "GRANDPA!!!!"  
Yes, he will do this several times in a row, annoyingly. Take a drink for each one of them.

You will not realize how much a kid can freaking even SAY Grandpa until you see this movie.
If you have want to teach a baby to speak, play this movie on loop for a day.
Baby will be exclaiming "GRANDPA SETH!!" earnestly by suppertime.

- Anyone says "NILBOG" or "GOBLIN."
Perhaps the best part of this movie is that they are goblins, not trolls! Yet it is called Troll 2! Ha.
-You see something green that would not normally be green.
- Something happens that makes absolutely no sense.
(entire movie may fall under this category...)
-It is clear the script did not translate well.
- Something completely random and confusing is going on.
(this kicks into high gear when you are introduced to the local gardening witch that wears braces and turns people into trees.)

- Whenever you see corn. Or popcorn.
Heads up: this movie may have the greatest seduction scene ever. Involving a cob of corn.
This is a real screen shot.
You can't make this shit up.

- Drink whenever you see this goblin (the deranged one on the left) and laugh.
You will not be able to look at it without laughing, that's a given.

This movie is beyond the beyond. And it was filmed in Utah, which gives me a special connection to it. I don't quite understand why some Italian director decided to go to podunk Morgan, Utah to make a movie starring papier mache goblins and call the movie "Troll 2" (where is the original movie?! Did he tack a number on it to make it seem like a legitimate sequel?!) and direct the worst actors EVER.

Did I mention that these evil creatures like to eat humans, but because they are VEGETARIANS, they have to turn the humans into green sludge (as seen above) before eating them? True story.

It is hysterical. Please watch it. Please have a good time. Please be careful--this drinking game is DANGEROUS!

Just to whet your appetite, here is a real clip from the movie. Yes, this is an actual scene. In all seriousness.

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